Sometimes something big happens, and everything seems to fall by the wayside. I started this blog several moons ago with the intention of sharing my weight loss journey. Well, I have quite obviously not done that, and looking back at my posts it seems a jumble of my random thoughts. Almost like I have no internal monologue ;-). The past few weeks have been diffucult, to say the least. My long-term partner and I had been having problems for some time now, with some of the fault lying in my dislike for a certain someone from his past, and a large dose of the problem lying with his drinking. It all came to a head last week; unfortunately this coincided with us having family visiting, and to make a painfully long story short, he was asked to leave.
From the outset of our relationship, his ex was the pink elephant in the room; though I’m not sure whether something or someone can be called that if they are brought up constantly. Everything we did, he could relate back to a story about her. To begin with I put it down to general nervousness on his part, as they’d been split up for years, and he’d seen someone casually after their relationship ended. But the more he told me how smart, or successful she was, the more I hated her. How good of a mother she was. How she was so zen. A year into our relationship, I couldn’t bear the mention of her name. One day I was visiting his house, and because the doorbell was broken I had to wait outside for fifteen minutes until someone else let me in. He was on the phone to her. I hated this girl, and I hated myself for having any sort of feelings towards this person I’d never even met. The worst thing was, she and I are probably very similar. We were studying towards a very similar degree, at two different campuses of the same university. We have a lot of the same interests, are members of the same initiatives and groups in our hometowns. We’ve even been to the same festivals, so without knowing it I may have run into her and just not realised. But because of him, and because of the way he treated both of us, it’s unlikely we will ever be friends.
His drinking was out of control, and it was set off by anything; his inability to find work, his frustration with himself, a random comment from a friend or family member, or just sheer boredom. He would get angry at the smallest things, like my friend putting up some shower curtains in the spare bedroom. She hadn’t done it the way he would have, and he proceeded to lecture her on the appropriate way to hang shower curtains. And then he drank. One evening, I was sitting with our new housemate trying to get some work done, and he grew irritable and angry because he couldn’t watch tv. Then he drank. Everything was an excuse for drinking, and his moods were so unreliable I stopped talking to him altogether.
My best friend took me aside one night and expressed her concern, because she had got a whiff of alcohol on his breath at 10 am one morning when I was in classes. It was a Wednesday morning. She’s had to remove him from the house one night because I had an exam in the morning, and he was demanding attention. When he didn’t get it, he started shouting at me, refusing to let me sleep. He wouldn’t let me study, he would phone me constantly at work and at college. It was like he needed constant care, and I felt like he was smothering me.
Last week was the end. He was drunk, my parents were in town, and he made an utter embarassment of himself. My dad is teetotal, and my mother has the odd glass of wine at birthdays and Christmas. He slurred his words, spoke over my father, grabbed my mum’s arm to help her up the stairs but was swaying dangerously himself. I was mortified. My parents handled it with class, they didnt get angry or raise their voices. My dad just told him he should get going because his mother was expecting him (I’d phoned her to let her know what had happened, and to expect him back that evening). He further embarassed himself by falling asleep in the stairwell, after pounding on the front door and shouting through my letterbox.
I don’t want to live with someone so unpredictable and irrational, constantly walking on eggshells so as to not trigger one of his moods. But what is breaking me up inside is, he’s taken my gorgeous puppy with him. I stupidly let him register the dog under his name when we got him, though I paid for everything. He won’t be able to afford to feed him the food he likes because it’s expensive. He won’t be able to cover the vets bills. He loves that dog, but he doesn’t realise he can’t give him the life he should have, and sometimes he phones me to let me speak to my baby boy, so I can hear his sad wee whimper when he hears my voice over the phone. It breaks my heart.